[ Her voice loses some of its edge as she leans into him, shifting so she can wrap her arms around his middle. Much as she wants that rare bit of affection, she wants to give it, too. It may be for very different reasons, but she knows neither of them open up easily. ]
Five years and the minute we had a possible way to get you back, I jumped at it.
[ She'd been ready to toss away whatever sad little life she'd had to get them back. It's not just about Sam, of course, but he is one of the losses she'd felt most personally. ]
[ Only half a joke. He doesn't believe in trading lives either, but he gets what she did - he'd have done the same. Would have given his life in trade for just one other. Trillions across the galaxy? Not even worth a second thought.
And still, it's unfair that it had been her. That she had fallen, like Riley, and he'd not even be there to bear witness. No body left to recover. Sam knows there's a grave somewhere - but he wishes he could show her the small corner he's made near his family graves, sheltered under a tree. For her, and for Steve. For Karli. For Riley. For the people he lost who weigh on him, whom he could not bury and keep close. ]
Tell me your death is your regret. That if I help you get it, we'll have you back. I know it's probably a lie... but... tell me anyway.
[ This club sucks, but Natasha's learned the hard way to take what she can in the moment. The sting of loss is all around her, but Sam is here now and she is going to enjoy what she can of that while she can. She hopes he can do the same. He deserves whatever comfort she can give him, even if it isn't honest. ]
You'll have me back.
[ When she shifts to look up at him now, there's an intensity in her eyes that shines through the tears. It's searching and desperate and far too raw to be a lie, even from a master liar like her. ]
I'm coming back for you. All of you. You're my family.
[ The Avengers. All of them. She's going to keep her family together. ]
[ Sam searches her eyes. It's not a lie, but he feels he should question something here anyway. Doesn't. Because he's still broken up about her death enough that he needs to cling to this.
Bucky's silence already betrays the fact that whatever he intends to do, it will take him from Sam, one way or another.
For the time being, Sam needs to believe that Natasha intends to survive Vormir - for the time being, he needs to believe it's not something more fundamental and complicated she wants to change.
So he just nods, and then quietly pulls her back in. ]
You're gonna have to visit Louisiana. I moved back home. Bucky visits often, too.
[ She relaxes into him again. She really can't remember the last time someone held her like this. Hell, she can't remember the last time she even let anyone this close, really. ]
That sounds nice. You gonna introduce me as your mysterious yet sexy friend from work?
[ Maybe they can really do that after everything. Natasha wouldn't mind meeting Sam's family. She wonders if they're as warm and smart as he is. Her own family--the one that isn't the Avengers--is steeped in odd complications and contradictions. She'd only had a few years with them, but then she'd never really had another family until the Avengers, so she figures maybe a few years is an alright measure. She still cares about them. Yelena especially. ]
[ Sam snorts softly, almost embarrassed to admit: ]
Sarah knows who you are.
[ The important parts at least. She doesn't know everything, especially the darker parts of Natasha's background. Same with Bucky - those are not his stories to share. But still - she's his sister. And he might not have been home in a long time before coming back from the blip, but he's shared his family with her in whatever way he could. She knows about them, all of them, especially the ones Sam's close to. She knows about 'on your left' and the fossil joke, she knows that to Sam, it was always Steve, Tony and Natasha who led the team rather than just Steve and Tony. She knows he grieves Natasha still, even though he's not talked about his grief in so many words. She knows that near their parents' and grandparents' gravesites there sits a small headstone for those of Sam's family he couldn't bury near home. ]
Sara would love you, and team up with you to bully Bucky and me.
[ And her heart wanders a little to Yelena who is aware of the Avengers and who really wouldn't care about meeting them because they're the Avengers, but she might have enjoyed meeting Sam and Bucky. They could all tease Natasha the way Natasha teases Sam and Bucky, all laugh together with the sort of warmth that only comes with long-won love. ]
I don't have a real sister for you to meet, but you could meet my fake sister and get a go at my dignity with her.
[ Sam's got the witty retort on his tongue, the quip, the tease.
And then Natasha proceeds to short-circuit his brain a little bit. ]
Run that by me one more time. Fake sister?
[ Did he mishear?
For a moment his chest clenches and his stomach rolls with a mixture of emotion he can't quite lock down. Eventually, it settles on guilt and shame and grief - because either Natasha is joking, or she has some sort of connection back home that's important enough to earn the moniker 'sister', and Sam never even knew. Would never have known if not for this place. Someone's who grieved Natasha, too. ]
Oh, you know how it is. Sometimes when a man-spy and a woman-spy have to pretend to love each other very much, they get a couple of orphans for a little while so they can complete a mission and then toss them back to the wolves when they're done.
[ It hadn't been a long time, so it's hard to grapple with the fact that it had meant something to her. Maybe it hadn't been real to her the way it had been to Yelena, but it hadn't been nothing, either. ]
I never thought it was real, so it's not a big deal.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nothinglasts) wrote2021-06-03 03:09 pm
no subject
[ Her voice loses some of its edge as she leans into him, shifting so she can wrap her arms around his middle. Much as she wants that rare bit of affection, she wants to give it, too. It may be for very different reasons, but she knows neither of them open up easily. ]
Five years and the minute we had a possible way to get you back, I jumped at it.
[ She'd been ready to toss away whatever sad little life she'd had to get them back. It's not just about Sam, of course, but he is one of the losses she'd felt most personally. ]
And I'd do it again.
no subject
[ Only half a joke. He doesn't believe in trading lives either, but he gets what she did - he'd have done the same. Would have given his life in trade for just one other. Trillions across the galaxy? Not even worth a second thought.
And still, it's unfair that it had been her. That she had fallen, like Riley, and he'd not even be there to bear witness. No body left to recover. Sam knows there's a grave somewhere - but he wishes he could show her the small corner he's made near his family graves, sheltered under a tree. For her, and for Steve. For Karli. For Riley. For the people he lost who weigh on him, whom he could not bury and keep close. ]
Tell me your death is your regret. That if I help you get it, we'll have you back. I know it's probably a lie... but... tell me anyway.
no subject
You'll have me back.
[ When she shifts to look up at him now, there's an intensity in her eyes that shines through the tears. It's searching and desperate and far too raw to be a lie, even from a master liar like her. ]
I'm coming back for you. All of you. You're my family.
[ The Avengers. All of them. She's going to keep her family together. ]
no subject
Bucky's silence already betrays the fact that whatever he intends to do, it will take him from Sam, one way or another.
For the time being, Sam needs to believe that Natasha intends to survive Vormir - for the time being, he needs to believe it's not something more fundamental and complicated she wants to change.
So he just nods, and then quietly pulls her back in. ]
You're gonna have to visit Louisiana. I moved back home. Bucky visits often, too.
no subject
That sounds nice. You gonna introduce me as your mysterious yet sexy friend from work?
[ Maybe they can really do that after everything. Natasha wouldn't mind meeting Sam's family. She wonders if they're as warm and smart as he is. Her own family--the one that isn't the Avengers--is steeped in odd complications and contradictions. She'd only had a few years with them, but then she'd never really had another family until the Avengers, so she figures maybe a few years is an alright measure. She still cares about them. Yelena especially. ]
no subject
Sarah knows who you are.
[ The important parts at least. She doesn't know everything, especially the darker parts of Natasha's background. Same with Bucky - those are not his stories to share. But still - she's his sister. And he might not have been home in a long time before coming back from the blip, but he's shared his family with her in whatever way he could. She knows about them, all of them, especially the ones Sam's close to. She knows about 'on your left' and the fossil joke, she knows that to Sam, it was always Steve, Tony and Natasha who led the team rather than just Steve and Tony. She knows he grieves Natasha still, even though he's not talked about his grief in so many words. She knows that near their parents' and grandparents' gravesites there sits a small headstone for those of Sam's family he couldn't bury near home. ]
Sara would love you, and team up with you to bully Bucky and me.
no subject
[ And her heart wanders a little to Yelena who is aware of the Avengers and who really wouldn't care about meeting them because they're the Avengers, but she might have enjoyed meeting Sam and Bucky. They could all tease Natasha the way Natasha teases Sam and Bucky, all laugh together with the sort of warmth that only comes with long-won love. ]
I don't have a real sister for you to meet, but you could meet my fake sister and get a go at my dignity with her.
no subject
And then Natasha proceeds to short-circuit his brain a little bit. ]
Run that by me one more time. Fake sister?
[ Did he mishear?
For a moment his chest clenches and his stomach rolls with a mixture of emotion he can't quite lock down. Eventually, it settles on guilt and shame and grief - because either Natasha is joking, or she has some sort of connection back home that's important enough to earn the moniker 'sister', and Sam never even knew. Would never have known if not for this place. Someone's who grieved Natasha, too. ]
no subject
[ It hadn't been a long time, so it's hard to grapple with the fact that it had meant something to her. Maybe it hadn't been real to her the way it had been to Yelena, but it hadn't been nothing, either. ]
I never thought it was real, so it's not a big deal.